One of my earlier limitations with going through IVF was that babies are not meant to be made in a lab. They are meant to be made out of love, with love. I struggled with the whole concept. The money, the prolonged exhausting treatments, the manipulation of the body’s natural way of being, the distance it created between us in the bedroom. Love has taken many other new shapes. This was mega hard for me as my love language is physical touch. Love making was a big part of being in love.
Earlier in my blog I shared a little about it in “Sex life or IVF life”. I described there the dying of sex life during IVF life. I promise you it will slow down dramatically or even completely evaporate. Love making comes in a different form to active sex life when going through multiple treatments of IVF.
But after such a long journey of heartache, disappointment, and constant change from engaged to disengaged relationship, I can safely say that this journey just made us stronger and opened my eyes to a whole new way of loving someone.
We have never lost sight of what we wanted to do together in our life and time together. That true love emerged again in such beautiful and different colors. I’ve learnt that we can be amazing problem solvers together, that we can support each other through some crazy and nerve blasting situations and we are both still here, both still in love and in our joy.
I remember the very first moment that Bill expressed his deep compassion and loving action to me. It completely melted me and made me feel utterly loved and cared for. We spend a very long weekend together and at some point I simply fell asleep on the couch. This was our very first weekend date. When I woke up, Bill held my hand and checked that I’m ok. He said: “ I’m glad to see you’re ok. I’m going to go now and I’ll see you later in the week”. I looked at his kind eyes and asked him to stay. He did. This was love at first sight. I never felt this way before. Ever!!
After 16 years together, I hang on to this memory, because I know that in the core of it all that is still true. That is still real. This days I find those moments in between tight situations. They will be very easy to miss and I do miss them if I focus on what I think he should be doing instead. If I live in my “need to fix it” space, nothing looks or feels loving, because you are looking for what is right rather than what keeps you happy. I can confidently say I have come along way from that judging self, simply by changing the attitude of wanting to be right, or trying to prove/argue a point. It’s just not worth it. It’s just not worth giving away your happiness for.
All this talk about love makes me teary, always turns something on in my favourite place in the body. You know where all the feels are at. This chocking feeling in the throat, the messy tears with a huge, big smile, and still sitting in dis belief that I am worth it. I’ve always been worth it, just never took a moment to appreciate when those moments are present and nudging me as I get lost in my past, in the should have been.
Today I visited my chiropractor/acupuncturist/kinesiologist we were talking about my happiness. Something with frustration around my happiness came up, we connected it to other people’s beliefs that I should lay low, keep quiet, control my joy, dim it down a little, stop talking about it, stop my excitement.
Are you for real!!?? I am finally where I wanted to be for many years, my body is growing another human inside it, my relationship is loving and present, I am about to go on a cruise and learn more about the law of attraction with Esther Hicks AKA Abraham Hicks, so why should I not be happy and express it to whomever I wish?? Other people’s beliefs and perceptions are exactly that…other people.
If I practice living as my authentic self, that means being exactly how I feel at any given moment. My projection of joy and happiness is how I feel, and it may trigger some people and make them live in fear of what may go wrong. Maybe some people out there don’t wish me well, but that is their staff. I think for me, stop giving a shit about what people say has become a new learning, their staff is theirs not mine. The thing is right now everything is great, healthy, and super exciting. I cannot be anything else but that. So there, release the frustration.
I love all this mind, body, soul connection. Don’t you?? It blows me away when people still ignore the connection of what is appearing in their physical being, is in fact coming from their emotional being, from now or from the past. Connecting the dots helps in the awareness of it and then the ability to simply let it go. Well, that’s how it works for me anyways. When I understand it fully, I can release it faster and easier.
Now I can happily go back to my ecstatic happy self, rest my hands on my belly, hum a little, rest a little and focus on all the wonderful moments that have brought us three souls together. Every single step was part of the process to get us to where we are today. That alone brings me so much peace.
I hope you get a chance to look at some of my offerings, starting with A Brake To Octate. A process that helps you see and understand 8 different aspects of yourself, how you show up, why do you show up the way you do, what would you like to keep, what can be improved.
It’s a wonderful growing process into your truth. Hope to see you there.
For more information click HERE.